Why The Myth Of The One Perfect Mentor Is Holding Women Back

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BY LESLIE GROSSMAN

A recent study got me thinking. When 63% of women say the reason they didn’t reach the height they hoped in their careers is because they never had a mentor, it sat with me in a way I couldn’t ignore.

That same study also found that nearly 7 in 10 women believe mentorship is critical to career advancement. So we’re stuck in a cycle: Women think they need mentorship, but most have never had it.

If that doesn’t stop you in your tracks, it should.

Because here’s what’s happening: We’re teaching women that a mentor is essential to move up, and then when that mentor never materializes, we’re subtly telling them the reason they’re stuck is their own fault. That if they’re not rising up the ladder fast enough, it’s because they didn’t ask, or didn’t try hard enough to get a mentor.

But what if the problem isn’t the women?

What if the problem is the model?

I believe mentorship matters. I’ve had mentors, and I’ve mentored others. But I’ve come to believe that putting so much pressure on the idea of a single mentor is not only outdated — it’s holding us back. It narrows our focus when what we need is expansion. It feeds into the myth that one powerful person will rescue us, make the calls and open the doors. You know the story. The mythical mentor who just happened to cross someone’s path at exactly the right moment and offers to guide them through an upward-moving career. And for most of us, that magical mentor will never arrive.

That’s why I’ve shifted the way I think about mentorship entirely. Instead of hunting for that 

mentor, I believe we all need to focus on building circles of collaboration. We all have many circles in our lives — our social circles, our work circles, even our online circles — but it’s your inner circle that matters most for your growth. That inner circle is where mentorship lives. It’s made up of — not one mentor — but a group of people who know what you’re aiming for, who see you clearly and who have the experience or perspective to help guide you in the arenas where you play.

This is part of the philosophy of the book I co-authored called Circles of Collaboration. Instead of relying on the top-down, one-on-one model of mentorship, this is about creating a group of people who support, challenge, inspire and walk with you. It’s about community, reciprocity, collaboration and paying it forward.

I’ve seen it work. I’ve lived it. And I’ve watched women shift the entire trajectory of their professional lives not by finding that one perfect mentor, but by building an inner circle that functions like mentorship — and more.

Here’s the real magic: When your inner circle is diverse in expertise and perspective, your mentorship becomes multidimensional. One person helps you with strategic planning, another with public speaking, another with managing up, and multiple people connect you with others who can open doors. Each person brings a different lens. Suddenly, you’re not relying on one voice — you’re learning from a whole spectrum. And you’re doing the same for others. The value you bring to someone else’s circle increases too, because your experience becomes part of their multidimensional growth. Everyone rises.

Your circle isn’t just about cheerleading — though they’ll do that too. It’s about calling out your brilliance when you can’t see it. It’s about asking hard questions. It’s about reminding you what you’re working toward when self-doubt comes roaring back.

This is not theoretical. When women come together with intention, trust and consistency, doors open. And not only because someone else opened them, but because you’ve had the support of the people in your corner.

Here’s the other thing: Research shows women are often reluctant to ask for mentorship in the first place. Not because they don’t want it, but because they don’t want to impose, or appear needy, or make someone uncomfortable. I get it. We’ve been socialized to avoid taking up space, even when the door’s wide open.

But building a circle? That’s not about asking someone to guide you. It’s about inviting people to stand with you. That’s not imposition. That’s collaboration.

And it solves for more than mentorship. According to a joint study by Working Mother Media and the National Association for Female Executives, 48% of men say they’ve received detailed information about career paths, compared to only 15% of women. That’s a staggering gap in basic advancement knowledge. A circle helps fill in the blanks. It keeps you informed, connected and prepared.

And circles don’t have to be formal or fancy. A monthly breakfast with three smart women who are navigating challenges. A group chat where you debrief after client meetings and boardroom battles. A Zoom call where you share what’s working and what’s not.

These circles, when built with care and clarity, become the scaffolding that allows us to grow higher than we could on our own. They offer something mentorship rarely does: continuity. They don’t disappear when your title changes or your industry shifts. They evolve with you.

I’m not saying to stop seeking mentors. But let’s stop expecting that one person will change everything. Because if 63% of women never get that mentor and say it damaged their ability to succeed, maybe it’s time to stop blaming ourselves and start changing the story.

We don’t need a seat at someone else’s table.

We need to build our own table in the form of a circle.

And the beauty is, we already know how. We’ve been doing it in whispers and side chats for years. Now’s the time to do it with intention, with power — and together.

By Leslie Grossman, co-author of Circles of Collaboration

Leslie Grossman has spent nearly two decades advancing leadership, gender equality, and women’s empowerment. As Faculty Director of the Executive Women’s Leadership Program at George Washington University, and through her books including Start with Vision (Apricity Publishing), she equips women with the tools to break barriers, lead with confidence, and create lasting impact. From founding the Women’s Leadership Exchange to coaching executives worldwide, Leslie’s work continues to inspire the next generation of women leaders.